I'm took a little break from work this afternoon to work on my NANOWRIMO novel.  November is NAtional NOvel WRIting MOnth, and my friend Ayn talked me into participating with her excellent presentation at our writing retreat a couple of weeks ago.  So I'm attempting to write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November (those are the requirements). 

As of last night I was up to about 6300 words.  But I just wrote another 1100 words and will be adding that in when I get home tonight. So I guess I'm up to 7400 words!  Yea!  My novel is supposed to be about the online dating adventures of a single woman in her 40's (hmmm - who does that remind you of?).  But I find myself getting diverted into various topics because otherwise I'll never reach 50,000 words.

So today I wrote about my step-mother, and I thought I would share it via my blog.  Hopefully my step-sister will read this and find it funny:

So I get home later that evening just in time to catch a call from my step-mother Helen.  Oh god, I think.  Am I really up to a marathon phone session with me just nodding my head and saying “uh-huh” a lot?  Because that’s what happens when you are on the phone with my step-mother.  She starts talking about one subject and then starts meandering like she’s driving down one of the many farm-to-market roads throughout Texas.  You are on FM 149 and think you are doing good and then she switches and you have suddenly turned onto FM 105, and then she doubles back and heads the opposite direction and by that time you have no idea who or what she is even talking about.  So all you can do is nod your head (of course, she can’t see you nodding your head) and say “uh-huh” a lot.  Sometimes she gets suspicious and stops and ask you what she just said as if she suspects that you really aren’t paying attention.  So you have to pay a little bit of attention so that you can at least throw a few details back at her.

                All this goes through my mind as my hand hovers over the phone, but I finally decide to bite the bullet and pick it up.

                “Hello, Mother”.  Okay – time for a slight side note.  When Helen became by step-mother, my father had been divorced from my mother Mary for about a year.  I was nine years old at the time, and I’m pretty sure I called my real mother “Mommy”.  I mean, I assume I did because I called my dad “Daddy”.  And my dad had full custody of me because my mom had the sense to give up full custody of me because she was an alcoholic.  But that’s a story for another day entitled “How to Attempt to Screw Up Your Child’s Life in only 90 Days”.              

                So my step-mother didn’t want me calling her “Momma” because her kids called her “Momma”, and she felt like she had been “momma’d” to death.   And there was no way in hell that my real mother was going to allow me to call my step-mother “Mommy”.  So the only real option that was left was to call my step-mother “Mother”.  And thus I call Helen the formal sounding “Mother” and even though I’m in my 40’s I call my dad “Daddy” still.  Because I’m still Daddy’s little girl, you know.

                So back to the phone conversation.  “Hello, Mother”, I say.  “How are you?” she asks.  “Did I catch you just coming into the house?” 

                “Yes, as a matter of fact, you did.  I’m just getting in from work”.  So she asks “How was work?  Are you still working for that horrible company?”.  “Yes, Mother”, I say.  “Work was fine, and the company hasn’t run out of money yet, so I’m still working there”. 

                “You know those people take advantage of you by giving you so much work to do and refusing to hire any help”.

                “Well”, I respond, “They can’t really afford to hire any help, you know?”.

                “That’s just not right.  Why back in my day when I was working for Mr. Pride Carwash, I never would have let them take advantage of me like that.  Of course I wasn’t the accountant because Lord knows I’m not very good with numbers.  Although there was that time in Girly Elementary School when I won a math ribbon.  I was just tickled pink.  And so were Momma and Daddy although of course they weren’t there to see me get the ribbon because Lord knows times were tough during the late ‘30’s – Daddy was working at the mill, and we were just managing to get by with four kids to feed in the house.   Not that we had a very nice house – Daddy was always having to do some work on it when he wasn’t working at the mill.  Hmmm, what does that remind me of?  Oh, of course.   When I was married and living on Mill Stone Drive in MacGregor, things were a little different.  Our house there was just as cute as a bug’s ear.  Nora was our neighbor then and I think she and her daughter Jennifer are going to join us for dinner this year for Thanksgiving.  You are coming to visit us for Thanksgiving, aren’t you?”.  She pauses at this point to take a breath thankfully.

                “Yes, Mother.  I’ll be there for Thanksgiving as usual”.

                She resumed, “Now, you know we aren’t cooking a big meal because we just don’t need all that food.  Lord , if I don’t lose 20 lbs I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself.  I don’t like it when my pants start fitting too tight.  Of course part of that might be because I just haven’t had a proper BM in the last couple of days.  I had to have your father give me an enema just to try and get everything moving again.”

                “Mother, I really don’t want to talk about your digestive system”, I manage to say without cracking up laughing.

                “Well, enemas were good enough for my momma to give to us kids when we were little, so it’s good enough for me now.  Of course my momma probably would have been just as inclined to give us a teaspoon of castor oil.  She wasn’t an educated woman, you know.  And she was just doing the best that she could.  Of course, I don’t have any real education either, but I turned out okay.  I’m not sure that all this education for women is such a good thing.  The Good Lord is pretty clear that women shouldn’t be in charge and in positions of power.  Just like that Sarah Palin.  Lord knows she’s an evil woman.”  She finally paused again to take a breath , and I took my opportunity to jump in and bring the conversation to a close.

                “Mother, I need to feed the cats and get out of these work clothes.  Did you need anything or were you just calling to chat”.

                “Oh, I just wanted to call and say hello.  You know your father worries about you when you don’t call often enough”, she responds.

                “I know”, I say.  “I promise to call more often, but I really need to get going now”.

                And mercifully then she said her goodbyes and hung up the phone.  Okay, do you see what I mean?  In the course of one conversation, she talked about my job, her job, her math skills, elementary school, her mom and dad, the 1930’s, the house she lived in as a child, the house she lived in when she first got married, her neighbors, Thanksgiving, needing to go on a diet, her bowel movements, enemas, education for women, politics and the evil that is Sarah Palin.  Kind of makes you tired, doesn’t it?